‘God is Love’ Series: Losing God, Finding Jesus

For those of us willing to begin taking our faith seriously, as opposed to just literally, there comes a time when Christianity just doesn't seem to add up. I don't, however, presume that everyone has found enough space away from the enormous pressure of family, church, and social conventions to confess this. Nevertheless, I believe confession is always the first step along the road of healing, discovery, and transformation, and my confession is this: there was a time when my Christian identity was no longer a certainty, when I was unsure whether being associated with Christianity and the Church was worth it.  

As a teenager in youth group, I was told this day would come for many because they had fallen prey to the tempting wiles of alcohol, drugs, or sex. I was told there would be friends who would reject their parents and their faith because they had been deceived and led astray, walking away from the harboring safety of the church into the dangerous toils and snares of the "world." But these things weren't what buckled my faith and my identity to its knees. Rather, it was when I realized that Christianity, at least the American Christianity with which I was familiar, was known more for its subjugation of women, oppression of people of color, and exploitation of people around the world than it was as a "pure and undefiled" religion in its efforts to love the widow, orphan, and stranger (James 1:27). In other words, people associated my faith more with power than love, more with control than vulnerability, and more with Hell than healing. In only taking my faith literally, it became really hard to try and reconcile who I knew Jesus to be in Scripture with how Christians organize their lives and treat other people.

I think it is important to be honest about the messiness of my own faith journey because I've come to believe that many people are "Christian" because it is simply more convenient for them to identify as such. It seems to me that Christianity has been reduced down to an economic calculation whereby the Gospel has come to simply mean nothing more than someone wanting to avoid either social estrangement in life or eternal punishment in death. Following Jesus has become a concept that isn't really about Jesus at all and more of a way for people to avoid facing their deepest fears of being alone. When this theology is given life to become practice, it creates churches that become hellbent on squeezing out any diversity or dissent as a means of forcing people to stay, meaning that children and neighbors are heavily incentivized to comply with any demands or instruction lest they be ostracized, belittled, or vilified. This is to say that many are "Christian" in precisely the same way my dog Ollie sits when asked, not because it is what he loves but because he loves what he receives in return. Similarly, many Christians I know aren't Christians because they give a damn about Jesus and imitating his life. They are Christians because their lives are easier and more comfortable by associating themselves with his name (which was hardly the case for the disciples or early church). Far too often Jesus is not the Messiah to follow but rather a mascot to easily print on billboards, bumper stickers, t-shirts, and political ads.

When Jesus becomes a mascot to use as we see fit, we create mascot theologies to justify and legitimate some of our worst fears and prejudices. In my experience, these mascot theologies have a lot to say about what not to do but very little to say about the kind of practices and habits we are to give ourselves to. Over and over and over again, I was taught that my morality was completely defined by what I didn't put in my body, what words I didn't say, what music I didn't listen to, what movies I didn't watch, etc. But I don't recall anyone taking the time to teach me how I might live nonviolently and unarmed in a violent world…like Jesus did. I don't recall anyone showing me how I might befriend and listen to people from very different backgrounds, beliefs, and creeds without needing to convert them…like Jesus did. I don't recall anyone teaching me how I might disciple someone in the scandalous ways of the cross…like Jesus did.

Eventually, there came a point where I just couldn't accept that Christianity was about weaponizing Jesus' words while rejecting his ways and example. I had been told thousands of times just how powerful the Gospel was to change people's lives, but I couldn't quite figure out why it had yet to change our churches. It was as if we were living for a message and a man we didn't really believe in, and I wanted more. I wanted a faith real enough where I would want to live and practice Jesus' invitation: "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it" (Luke 9:23-24).

When I finally took these words seriously, I almost lost my faith. Whatever my life had been up to that point I knew deep in my soul that it wasn't truly Christian. The life I had lived prior made me feel ashamed to call myself a follower and imitator of Jesus Christ. I wasn't ashamed because I had failed to seek God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength but because I wasn't seeking Jesus. I had done plenty, more specifically, I had abstained from plenty, to keep God's wrath at bay. Yet, I still felt that I hadn't quite began the abundant life that Christ promised us. The legalism, blind obedience, complicity, and respectability I offered God on a daily basis began to fade in light of the beauty, healing, and community that Jesus' way of life offered me. For me, it was a taste of Heaven, of Jesus, that made me an apostate. His love gave me permission to leave my faith and my church behind at the chance of learning from the Son of God himself.

I've come to believe that if we really want to love and serve God we must leave God behind. It is in losing our faith that we really come to see that faith isn't about answers or certainty at all. It is about living a way of life we don't always understand, but one that, nevertheless, continues to call us into the light of eternity, as we participate in the very life and ways of God. God waits for us in all the places, spaces, and people where we wouldn't be caught dead, and I'm more convinced than ever that "church" might be dying so we can learn to be the people of God again.

I am a Christian. I am deeply Christian. However, I am Christian because I believe Jesus Christ is Lord, Jesus Christ is the center of history, and Jesus Christ has revealed to us the only way of life worthy of being called 'life' at all. I'm not so interested in making the world Christian anymore. But I do hope the world, including Christians, begin to see themselves through the loving and freeing eyes of Christ and that they may live accordingly.

I no longer get upset when people leave the church. There is a lot to leave over. And I don't beg them to come back, either. I just hope they know they are not alone and that I grieve with them. Yet, I can say, even after years of receiving emotional beatings and wounds from the church, Jesus Christ remains the most beautiful thing I've ever seen or experienced. He is the Good News your soul craves. His yoke is easy and his burden is light. What Christianity broke in me Christ put back together. Amen.

"The soul that wants nothing but God

must forsake everything,

even God. 

As long as we have and know who

God is, we don't.

We are far away.

So can you let your notions die?

This is the smallest death a soul can undergo before

it becomes divine."

Meister Eckhart